Category Archives: [ FOLLOW "MY BOYS" ]

ROCKIN’ THE BOAT

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Friday during the day, I got a call from Pilot boy – not a text message, a phone call. There should be a sequel to the book Flirtexting called “How To Not Sound Like An Idiot When He Actually Picks Up The Phone And Calls.”
 
He told me that he came up with the idea to go on a dinner cruise boat called the “Jungle Queen” Sunday evening. My first Sunday date, how exciting. The Jungle Queen is an evening dinner cruise where you set sail on Fort Lauderdale’s intercostal.  You view the “famous” and “not so famous” but extremely wealthy real-estate of Florida’s residents living along the coast.
 
I was so thrilled! How great did that sound? So far pilot boy had done everything right; he called when he said he would, and even made the plans for the second date. This obviously gave me enough time to buy an adorable dress so that my outfit could match somewhat of a “boating” theme. Hey, I’m a girl. I said no judgment zone.
 
He told me the time and the place I had to meet him on Sunday. I received a text from him Saturday telling me how he was looking forward to seeing me the next day, how charming!
 
I got all-done-up and was ready for my Sunday evening date. My nautical looking dress with my nude wedges, soft makeup, hair down, small purse, light sweater. Done.
 
We had to meet at the dock because he had some prior obligations (whatever that meant) so he said he would meet me there. Well, I showed up 20 minutes early. That is a miracle in itself.
When I said “dinner cruise” I am sure what popped in your head was a big, white yacht with gleaming lights on the side glistening down on the water, tinted black windows and a butler standing on the ledge holding champagne in one hand and a cheese platter in the other waiting for me to board.
 
Wrong.
 
The Jungle Queen is a large, double-decker wooden boat with wooden stools for seating; which was built in 1971. I am the go-with-the flow girl remember?  I waited on the dock for about 20 minutes while everyone boarded. He called me and said he was running late, that he was really sorry but he was going to be there as soon as he could. Great, everyone is going to be mad at us because we are the late comers. ( -5 points )
 
We almost missed the boat. I was that girl sitting on the dock waiting, while everyone was watching. She is definitely getting stood up.  He made it just in the nick of time.
 
He was even more handsome in person then he was in his pictures. Or it was just my one contact in my eye blurry vision from the first date; he was a cutie-pie. 
 
The boat ride was great. The Captain gives entertaining commentary as he takes you past the exclusive neighborhoods and yachts. After an hour boat ride you get dropped off at what they called the “Indian Village Island,” not so much my kind of “Island.” Pina Colada anyone? 
 
When you arrive at the “Indian Village Island,” which is really just a lot in a subdivision, filled with lots of trees to block out the surrounding homes, you’re “herded” into what I would call a “mess hall.” It reminded me of those childhood summers I spent at sleep away camp. They sat you in long rows of tables that have bench style seating. They cram as many people at each table as they possibly can.
 
The picnic table style seating got people talking to their neighbors right away; hey we were all in this together. We sat next to a couple around the same age as us and we really hit it off. They were there on their 2nd anniversary date and we were there on our 2nd date; seems legit.
 
Once everyone was seated the madness began. Waitresses were running everywhere! Ready, set…EAT!
 
The tables were piled high with platters of baked beans and coleslaw. They bring out big pans of ribs, then chicken, then shrimp. The process repeats several times, until you’ve eaten “All you care to eat.”
 
Am I supposed to dig in here or am I supposed to act like a lady?
 
I waited for him to pick up the first piece of rib with his hands to make sure that this was the direction we were taking. Yup, dig in.
 
I am not sure if he did a lot of research on this dinner cruise but if you are looking for a romantic dinner, this is not it. Any hint of romance between you and your significant other will surely be interrupted by “Will you pass the beans?”
 
After everyone finished stuffing their faces with BBQ goodness and cleaning up with 15 wet-naps, there came a voice over the loud speaker; “Everyone please exit to the back for this evenings show performance.”
 
Show? Let’s go!
 
Some of you may not think this – but I love to be up close and personal when it comes to things like this. Front row it is.
 
Now this is no ordinary show – it’s a magic, dancing and singing show. Performed special for you by the locals of “Indian Village Island” AKA, the guy they found on craigslist the night before. 
 
The magic show was good – I could have made that coin disappear too. Dancing had some great moves and then came the singing. Audience participation needed.
 
Now, I thought to myself, I BETTER not get picked for this; but the host on the stage was calling for a “boy band” group. He jumped right off the stage and looked at pilot boy, pilot boy looked at me, and I looked at the host. He was the chosen one, and up he went. Pilot boy was joined with 4 other men to sing the Macarena.
 
The poor boy was on stage, spot lights beaming and sweating bullets. I don’t think my video recording was making him feel any better. He sure was a trooper. After the show it was time to get back on the boat.
 
At this point my face was hurting from smiling so much. He knew exactly what to say, he was outgoing, he was smart, he was funny, and his ridiculous good looks were just a bonus; all in all, he was great. The ride back was nice, a little more romantic with a night breeze, and some soft background music. Let’s not forget the soothing sounds of the crying baby that sat directly behind my left ear. We got back to the dock around 9PM. It’s a school night people!
 
Before we got off the dock he said, “I don’t want you to go home yet.”
 
I said –”OK,” what do you have in mind? He said, “let’s go to the beach.”
 
I just looked at him and thought, how do I say no to a face like that? We got into his car and drove down the street to the beach. He said “let’s stop off and get some wine.” It’s 9PM on a Sunday night, where are we getting wine? Gas station, keeping it real classy. 
 
We parked the car and walked onto the beach. Obviously it was pitch black and the only light was from the moon, which lit up the sand for us to see. It was starting to feel like something that would only happen in a movie, but I was going along for the ride. He asked me if I mind if we sat on the sand.
 
Not at all! Let me just sit right down in this damp sand in my brand new $60 dress. There must have been a shooting star up above because as we walked closer to the beach there was a random beach chair in the middle of the sand. Someone must have had one too many and forgot their chair that day; finally I’m having a little bit of luck!
 
We sat on the beach chair, looked up at the stars, and drank our mini Pinot Grigio 4 pack. 
 
SO ROMANTIC.
 
On my drive home all I could think was… “ball gown with a fitted bodice. No…strapless, definitely strapless.” 

LOVE is blind…or is it just me?

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The past few months of being a one-date -wonder I thought were never going to end. At this point I had imagined myself going on a weekend cruise to the Bahamas with my Match.com or JDate boyfriend. Again, we all have dreams.
 
I spent a week or two away from the computer and my dating profile. Everyone needs a breather once in a while. I knew there needed to be some changes on either the filtering of my search results online or my dating tactics.
 
I guess you can say I am a bit picky, but what girl isn’t; we want what we want. So, it was time to change the dating tactics. My night stand table was piling up with “how to” dating books.
 
My new Bible AKA
Flirtexting: How to text your way into his heart by Olivia Baniuszewics and Deborah Goldstein
 
Since I was cruising on the road of the next generation of love, online dating, I needed to master the communication of text. We all are well aware that no boy these days is good with F2F (face to face).  The rules are simple; they are spelled out clearly, fearlessly and with a hint of “tude”; my kind of book.
 
Dating in the digital age is a whole new world. You can try to get advice from your mom but if you ask her all she will say over and over again is, “well back in my day, Johnny called and asked me out; he came to my door, introduced himself to my parents, picked me up in his white Camaro with red seats and took me to a drive-in-movie.”
 
WAIT. A guy ACTUALLY called you and asked you out? We don’t even know what that is anymore, how ancient.
 
The questions you have to ask yourself can make your head spin. How long do I wait before I respond to his text? What does it mean when he doesn’t respond to my text right away? How do I reply to “how is your day?”
 
I learned how to create the BPT (best possible text).
I learned that you don’t send TUI’s ( text’s under the influence )
I learned just when to reply.
I learned, never be JANE.
 
When answering a text message you have to decide, do you want to be the flirty girl, the sassy girl, the LOL girl, the straight to the point girl, or JANE? Each girl has their own unique way of answering text messages back to their PBF ( Potential Boy Friend) 
To sum up the book in one sentence : You never want to be Jane
Jane is the eager dater. She jumps at the first text she receives from a guy telling him she is not busy, she wants to hang out, and asks what time should she be ready.
 
TEXT FROM BOY: “HI?”
 
You can only imagine, the pink and yellow sticky notes coming out of all ends in this book. This page is perfect. This is a text I need to send.
 
There is only one thing you must have to be successful after reading this book.
A cell phone.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
 
Wink Alert
Match.com
He just winked at you ;)
 
Email him now –>
PILOT BOY
I passed right over his catchy headliner and went straight to the profile picture. Soft brown hair swooped to the side, ray bans on, beaming smile, sailing in the ocean. Oh, please take me with you!
 
I winked back and sent an email. We exchanged phone numbers and texted back and forth. I was golden now with the text messaging – I’m not usually a rule follower but this one was working.
 
I found out that he was from Miami. Oh great, another Miami Boy? I figured I have nothing to lose I was going to give it a try.
 
Where do you think I suggested to meet up? You guessed right, YOLO.
 
Maybe I should have been a little more creative, but he asked me to pick the place and I am a creature of habit. I received the text message “What time would be best to meet for dinner?” We were already off to a better start then the original “Miami boy”.
 
We decided to meet on a Thursday night; I don’t discriminate to only weekend dates. I know it may be a school night for some, but I’m on the search for love people. To me, any day that ends in “Y” can be a date day.
 
It can’t be this easy can it? Nope. I am about to meet up with a handsome man who flies planes, has a college education, a smile that could light up any room, and adorable family portrait on his profile that I can just insert myself right into the corner for next year’s Christmas card.
 
By now you know a little bit of how I operate; the outfit was chosen two nights prior to the date. Thursday morning came and I woke up to get ready for work.
I told you I don’t sing, so I wrote you all a poem.
 
IM ABOUT TO CRY
IM MEETING THIS GUY
WHY OH WHY
IS THERE A STY ON MY EYE
SIGH
 
I thought to myself “This was not happening!”But it was. If I was not as blind as a bat, this would be no problem; but I couldn’t NOT wear my contacts! There was no way I was showing up on this date wearing my “Glee” inspired, Mark Salling, dorky, run into CVS incognito, thick-black-framed glasses.
 
One contact? OK!
I drove to Ft. Lauderdale wearing only one contact. I can’t stay that this situation was one of my best judgment moments but good thing that this is a no judgment zone. Blurry vision wasn’t going to stop this girl.
 
I got to the restaurant and he was waiting at the hostess stand for me. He looked exactly like his pictures, that is, from what I could actually see. Sport coat with a button down on, jeans and dress shoes. He had made a reservation. Clean up on isle 5 we have a melted heart.
 
What a wonderful date. A full 3 hours where the conversation, and the drinks flowed. Chemistry and sparks were flying in the air. I played off the one contact condition quite well, smiled, laughed and enjoyed every moment on the date.
 
He told me that his schedule the following week was extremely busy so he wanted to make plans for that upcoming Saturday. He told me he would call me and let me know what the plans were and he was going to surprise me. You had me at surprise. I mean, you had me at hello.
 
On the one contact in my eye drive home, I had already decided.
Red velvet cake at the reception with a butter cream frosting.
(KIDDING GUYS!)

Just say “No!” to Rugs, Plugs & Comb-overs

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BALD BOY

I should have been featured on Jay-Z’s hit song “On to the next one” We move, we groove, can’t stop won’t stop. Get it get it.

On to the next.

Two dates in a row we have name changes for the boys. Bald boy was first called Lawyer boy. Two lawyers in a row, winning streak or losing streak, you decide.

His profile looked great; a tall, young, Jewish, lawyer living in Boca Raton. Should we just yell B-11 now? BINGO!

We spoke for a few days and decided to meet for dinner. He asked me if I wanted to go anywhere in particular. I figured I wouldn’t see break-a-date boy again so I suggested we go to the Yard House. (In the top 10 remember?) The hair and makeup was to perfection.  We met on a Friday night, I was prepared and dressed to impress!

He texted me before I got there telling me where he was sitting. How nice was that, I wasn’t going to have to do that creepy cat and mouse search when I got there. I parked my car and walked into the Yard House like I owned the place. Normally in the life of Lindsay, I would have tripped over something trying to make a grand entrance and make a fool of myself; but I was in the clear.

I spotted the table from a-far where he told me he was sitting.  Ready for my word bubble?

Talk about complete falsification of profile pictures. The tall, young, Jewish, lawyer living in Boca Raton was BALD!

I’m not talking Mr. Clean bald, I’m talking, no hair from the top of his head to the middle of the back and then a full head of hair from the middle to the neck.

WILL MY CHEERLEADERS PLEASE STAND UP

(U-G-L-Y you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly, yeah yeah, you ugly)

When it comes to my stance on “baldness” it’s either all or nothing, don’t save what little you have left. I have nothing against bald guys, I would take home Howie Mandel any day of the week.

Some girls may not want to continue on with the date, but I would never be rude and leave, that’s just not my style; plus, I was hungry.

I sat down at the table and we introduced ourselves, with the usual “it’s so nice to meet you” chit chat. The waiter came up to the table, “Can I get you two anything to start with?” I said “A DRINK!”

What I really wanted was a bottle of wine, but that probably wouldn’t have ended well. I thought to myself, I had the rule of not meeting anyone for just a drink so this was the 1 hr out of my life that I could take to get to know someone. Wrong, try 2½ hours, I should have went for the bottle.

We were still in the blonde month and the first thing that he said to me was “Wow, I wasn’t expecting you to have blonde hair, you don’t look like you could be a blonde in your pictures.” What I should have said was, “Oh, well I was expecting HAIR, because in your profile pictures you actually had some”. What I really said was, “Well, I like to change things up sometimes.”

At this point I knew the man across the table from me was not the one I had totally envisioned in the peanut butter isle at the grocery store, but I was going to make the best of it.

First he said he wanted to share an appetizer. He asked me to pick and I said spinach artichoke dip. I didn’t care about spinach getting stuck in my teeth what-so-ever. It was a pretty busy night and the appetizer alone took about 45 minutes. He didn’t ask me one question, he talked all about his family, his sister who was still in law school, and his life growing up as a true “Floridian”. Every time I tried to mention something about my family he would turn the conversation always back to him, self-centered much? After 30 minutes I made my first bathroom escape. I didn’t even have to go to the bathroom, I just stood in there. SOMEBODY.PLEASE.SAVE.ME.

He talked most of the time which allowed me just to nod my head, take sips of my wine and get that cheesy goodness onto some crusty bread. Pretty sure I made a mess all over my lap, you can’t take me anywhere.

Then, he said he wanted to order dinner, sounds good to me.  I open the menu again. Truffle Mac & Cheese, score. There was going to be no sharing here; I didn’t even offer before we ordered. Another 40 minutes passed by, and I had to  listen to him talk about the questions on the BAR exam, his daily routine, and his weekly work schedule. This was the longest date of my life. Another bathroom escape, I wondered if he noticed. This time I texted every single person on my favorite list and told them I was in agony on this date.

The dinner finally came and I thought he was going to slow down on the talking but that didn’t stop him. 20 minutes later, I looked down and my entire bowl of Mac & Cheese was gone; I ate it like I was going to go to jail the next day.

I was ready to get out of there. He said “let’s get dessert.”

Now listen guys, dessert is one of my favorite words in the English dictionary, but he was mind-numbing, I was full and this date needed to be over.

I politely said no thank you, I had to get going. I was leaving for Miami the next day to visit my cousin but I told him I was going to leave that night instead.

He insisted on walking me to my car, and held my hand the entire way. The guy just did buy me a really nice meal so the least I could do was hold his hand.

Maybe match.com wasn’t the right dating site for him, I should have suggested www.datingbaldmen.com

My boyfriend is like February 30th, he doesn’t exist.

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BREAK-A-DATE BOY
 
Now how many chances do you give a guy before you finally tell them to take a hike? Break-a-date boy wasn’t always called that, he was originally blue-eyed boy. He was a Match.com dater and his profile picture was what I like to call “easy on the eyes.”
 
I sent him my template message “hey, I’m Lindsay..how are you ?”
 
He emailed me back right away. We didn’t waste any time and we exchanged phone numbers. He texted me soon after and we planned to meet at Yard House in Mizner Park for drinks. 
 
Before my dating adventures began I had a rule that I was not going to go out with anyone that just wanted to meet for drinks. Why couldn’t the guy just take an hour or so out of his life and take me to dinner to get to know me? Well I tossed that one right out of the rule book. I never thought that I may want to run for the hills on a date, but you never know what can happen in the world of online dating! This way, I had the option of having one drink and could duck out the back door if needed. (Just kidding, I never did that)
 
I met him at Yard House and we sat at the bar. He looked exactly like his picture online. This bar situation was better than all of the others in the past because we were sitting in the corner. He was on one edge of the bar and I was on the other. We were able to look at each other without getting neck cramps. 
 
Forget J.Crew boy, old school Abercrombie boy is here. Striped white and blue polo, dark washed jeans, spiked hair, perfect teeth, and those baby blue eyes. Check please.
 
Before we met up I didn’t tell him that I looked a little different then I did in my pictures. I now wish I had because on my next date karma bit me right on the behind. It was the month I decided to go blonde. I do it every year and regret it every time. When will I learn? Anyway, blondie showed up instead of the brunette he saw on the Match.com profile. He mentioned something right away.
 
He complimented me and said he wasn’t expecting that but it looked great. Should I have been flattered or should I have turned my gaydar on? Beep…Beep
 
The Yard House is known for their beers but I ordered a glass of wine instead. You think I wanted to be all bloated in the skinny jeans that took some serious sucking-in to get into? No thanks.
 
We had good conversation, a few things in common. I always use the golf background as good conversation material if nothing else; that always impresses. He had just taken the BAR exam and was waiting for his results. Oh a lawyer. He was commuting to work from West Palm Beach, and he was telling me about his upcoming move to Delray.
 
We had two drinks each and then decided to walk around. He asked if I wanted to get some ice cream. Damn you skinny jeans. 
( SLIGHT INTERRUPTION )
ON A SIDE NOTE: One day I’m going to write a letter to these online dating sites and tell them they should all reimburse me since I have to pay for a gym membership so that I can fit into my pants after all the dinners, alcohol and desserts I have to consume on these dates!
 
We headed to the ice cream shop. On our way, he said “My favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip what’s yours? I replied “NO WAY, that’s my favorite ice cream too!” Don’t judge my fabrication; every kind of ice cream is my favorite.
 
We got ice cream and I was actually having a great time. If you were an outsider looking at us, I am sure it looked like I was getting lost in his eyes and staring at him like I wanted to eat him instead of my ice cream.
 
He walked me to my car like a gentleman and he said he wanted to take me out again and he would call me. 8th date is the charm?
 
He told me the following day that he made reservations for us to go to Delray on Friday night to a new restaurant on the beach. This was looking promising.
 
Thursday evening, I received the infamous text. “I am going to have to reschedule, I have a work conflict and I have to work late.”
 
No problem- he did just start working at a law firm. 
 
Now one might think this was just a way for him to get out of it and that he didn’t want to see me again, but the next week he made plans to go out during the week instead of on the weekend, same restaurant. 
 
I was wrong. That time he called to cancel.
 
There was definitely some effort on his end, but no follow through. After a few weeks the communication stopped and I wasn’t so interested anymore. Blue-eyed boy then became break-a-date boy. I mean, I had already gone on two other dates since I saw him.
 
He-was-so-two-weeks-ago.

My handshake brings all the boys to the yard

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BORING BOY

Now right off the bat you can probably imagine that there won’t be any funny or exciting stories here. But don’t go just yet.

Boring boy messaged me on Match.com, we emailed for a day or two and then he asked me to meet him at Lemongrass in Delray. (MORE SUSHI, YIPEEEEE!)

His pictures were A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E. He looked like he just stepped out of a J.Crew magazine, fall collection.

We met on a week night. I got a parking spot right outside of the restaurant. That in itself makes the night great. You know you are excited when you get “THAT” parking spot, you think “best. day. ever”

I arrived a few minutes early, and went inside the restaurant to wait for him. I sat at the bar and was looking at my iphone mirror app; Making sure I dotted my I’s, crossed my T’s and wiped the lipstick off my teeth, okay were good. Then I did some texting to friends, searched through PINTEREST and thought about a facebook check-in, but I refrained.

Finally he came in the door of the restaurant and we immediately looked at each other. I can only imagine the first thing that comes to people’s minds when they meet for the first time. If we all had a “word bubble” over our heads we would probably be screwed. My thoughts were simple, “MmmmMmm, I like”

The restaurant was very busy. They were offering a “buy 1 LOBSTER MONSTER get the other free” coupon, and all of Boca Raton was going to make sure they took advantage of that! We were seated at one of those “one side is booth one side is a chair” tables. We had to do that awkward walk around dance deciding who should sit on what side. You know the one where someone goes left and the other person goes left to go around them and then you try to go right and they do too. What a mess.

Our table was in the middle of two other tables, one couple on each side of us. We stuck out like a sore thumb. Actually we just stuck out like two young kids on their first date.

Not only was I going to have to make sure that I kept up good conversation with the “boy”, but I needed to make sure Mr. and Mrs. Nosey on the left had something good to listen to and Mr. and Mrs. Gawking on the right had something to look at. I should have told them to take a picture, it lasts longer.

They probably just wanted to live vicariously through our date since they didn’t even speak to each other the entire time. Put the iphone down and nobody will get hurt…

Here we are AGAIN, sushi time.

At this point I have mastered eating sushi in front of boys. I knew exactly which rolls to choose. I knew that white rice gets stuck in your teeth a lot easier then brown, never order anything with more than three ingredients in it; and stay away from anything that has the words ” volcano” or “dragon” in it.

“I’ll have a spicy tuna roll, brown rice, seaweed on the outside, no sesame seeds please.” Now this may sound picky, but you are saving yourself a lot of embarrassment such as: food dropping out of your mouth, food getting stuck in your teeth, or simply looking like a chipmunk trying to eat that oh-so delicious hurricane bomb roll in just one bite.

Now the date went a little like this.

We both opened the menu, I said “how about we share, we can split 3 rolls”. He said “perfect”. I decided that I would pick one he would pick one then we would decide together on the last. Teamwork at its finest. This way I could make sure to sneak my spicy tuna in for my “safety” roll.

The food came faster than a speeding bullet, so we didn’t even have too much time to have conversation. He was the same age as me so we talked about some funny things we remembered as 80’s babies, where we went on our teen tour in high school and the sports we played growing up. We were out of there in about 45 minutes. Now what?

ICE CREAM!

We walked over to Kilwins. NOW, if you have never been to Kilwins you need to go. Like now. You can smell that place from a mile away, the hot press making the waffle cones. YUMMY! ( am I making you hungry yet ?)

I got my fav ice cream, Rocky Road. I especially like it from Kilwin’s because they have the perfect amount of nuts to marshmallow ratio. What can I say, I am a foodie.

We talked about going to see a movie the following week. I was totally for it. The date was coming to an end and I did have a nice time, it was just a little uninteresting.

READY FOR THE KICKER

We started walking back towards Lemongrass . I said thank you and he said he had a really nice time. I was waiting for the awkward hug moment, (already prepared, arms under Lindsay, arms under), but all of a sudden he put out his hand to give me a hand shake. WHAT?!

He immediately stopped himself and said “Wait, what am I doing?” I said, ” I am not exactly sure?” Then he goes “come here”…NOW comes that ridiculously awkward hug.

He texted me a few days later trying to set up a time to see a movie.

Needless to say, I was B.U.S.Y

BORING

UNINTERESTED

SHOOK MY HAND

YAWN.

CRACK IS WACK…UNLESS YOUR A CHIROPRACTOR

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CHIROPRACTOR BOY

Back to Jdate I go…

So, Chiro boy messaged me. A very short message, but his pictures were mostly what caught my attention. Cute little jew boy, my favorite. I had started to realize that Match and Jdate had a slight difference when it came to the “process”.

Match.com: There were a few emails back and forth telling each other a little bit about one another. Then comes deciding if you are interested in meeting that person. Then the phone number exchange to make the plans.

Jdate.com: Here is my number. Lets get together.

You know that on Jdate all their mothers or grandmothers made them sign up so they mean business.

I came up with the idea to meet at Benihana for dinner in Coral Springs. Which I thought was perfect, something TOTALLY new. I was prepared for smelling like oil and grease, no problem. Before I went to meet him I had to go get my nails done              ( DUH )

I have not mentioned this yet, but do you have any idea what it takes for a girl to get ready ?

Here are the steps you need to go through to get ready for a first date:

Step 1. Look drop dead gorgeous

Step 2. If you don’t know what you should look like on a first date refer back to step 1

After getting my nails done I drove straight to Benihana. Now we have the whole package complete.  Perfect outfit, hair, makeup, and nails.

You know what’s not perfect?  That RAIN that just started coming down!

I pulled into Benihana around 6:55PM, we were planning on meeting at 7PM. I thought to myself, “How am I going to manage getting out of the car with an umbrella, purse on one arm, nails still slightly wet, while completely risking the possibility of a perfect blow-out getting attacked by frizz-mania!?”

All of the sudden a car pulled up right next to mine, a bright yellow Corvette. The windows were too dark to see in but I saw an outline of a man with sunglasses on. Hey buddy, its gloomy and raining, lose the sunglasses. The man gets out of his car. HOLY MOLY BATMAN it’s him! Chiro boy just got out of the bright yellow Corvette.

I had to get it together quick so he didn’t think I was sitting in my car like a weirdo. I tried to open my door with the umbrella sticking out of the top, moving slowly trying not to mess up the nails, and keeping the hair from getting wet; The door swings open and hits the side mirror of his car!

DID THAT REALLY JUST HAPPEN?! PARTY FOUL BEFORE THE PARTY

He watched the entire thing, and then finally came to help me, or he was really just making sure I didn’t take out his side view mirror. No dings, no dents, all good.

Let the date begin.

We met on a Wednesday night, I know this because it was half off appetizers from 5PM-9-PM. I thought that we were going to have an awesome hibachi meal, but nope. Jew to the rescue – he wanted the half off apps.

We sat down at a table near the bar instead.  Conversation was smooth. No hiccups, no embarrassing moments, and no awkward silences. Want to know why? Because I couldn’t get a word in the conversation the entire time. Not even a peep

Jackpot – the Chiro doc with the sports car is a hot shot – NOT

I put on the “this is my interested face”,  but I wasn’t really,  I was just trying to order every single sushi appetizer on the menu and suck down my Mai Tai. By the way, did I mention yet how much I LOVE sushi? After a 2 hr date he asked me on a second date for that upcoming weekend. Now when you put all the pieces together of this date so far, he didn’t really do anything wrong; He knew my name, he seemed somewhat interested in me, he wasn’t talking about all his amazing ex-girlfriends, I did kind of hit his car and he still wanted to go out again, so let’s go for it.

Bring it on second date.

We talked over the next few days and planned on going out on Saturday night. I came up with a great idea to go to the comedy club at the Hard Rock! What I thought would be a good idea he came back with the text message reply “Wow your really emasculating me”. I didn’t think that coming up with the plans would be that big of a deal, but I guess it was. His mojo was a no no.

Back-pedaling , I said “Why don’t you choose the restaurant.” He said we will go to “My Big Fat Greek Restaurant” in Davie, OPA!

We met at the restaurant, and had a nice meal. I had a delicious steak Gyro and enjoyed every bite of it. Want to know why? because I DIDNT TALK!

Again, with the jibber jabber about the Chiro biz.

At this point I thought the second date would have gone differently, but he didn’t ask any personal questions about me. I mean, come on, at least ask me what my favorite color is.  He told me all about the newly designed business cards he was having made and what kind of stock paper he was having to choose from.

Where my cheerleaders at?

GIve me a B, give me a O, give me a R, give me a I, give me a N, give me a G! What’s that spell? GET ME OUT OF HERE!

I was just glad that on the next part of our date it was going to be dark with entertainment and he wouldn’t have the chance to talk my ear off. We drove to the Hard Rock and saw the late show. 10:30PM, real rebels.

Pretty sure the best part of the entire date was reading the drink menu at the Comedy Club. Instead of “Sex on the Beach”, they have “Sex on the Stage” HA. Oh, and the comedian was funny too.

That was the last we saw of Chiro boy…

INSERT FOOT IN MOUTH

Standard

English

[Proverb]

don’t shit where you eat

  1. (idiomatic, vulgar) One should not cause trouble in a place, group, or situation in which one regularly finds oneself.
  2. Do not screw up or screw someone from where you work and or play
      It was a Wednesday evening, and I was just finishing up my workout at the gym. On my way out, I got stopped by two guys. One was very tall, who was holding what looked to be like a moped helmet, and the other was short and seemed extremely shy.

Here is the dialog:

Tall one: “Are you a trainer here”, (nice pick up line huh?)
Me: “No, I just workout here.”
Tall one: “Oh, because my friend here is looking to go out on a date with a pretty girl.”
Me: “And what are you? His match maker? “
I wasn’t really interested in the shy one. So I said to the tall one.
Me: “I’m Lindsay, what’s your name? “
Tall one: “I’m John”
Me: “Oh, do you drive a moped? “

John: “No, I just carry this around. “

We have a funny one on our hands here.

Me:”Well John, it seems like your friend can pick up a girl himself but what about you?”
John: “I have no problems picking up girls”
Me:”Well then why haven’t you asked me for my number?”

sometimes I get bursts of confidence  that shoot through my body. WHA-BAM!

John:”I don’t have a pen..”
Me:”You don’t have a pen? What century are you living in? How about that handy thing in your pocket called a cell phone?”

We exchanged phone numbers and had some witty convo the next day. Something along the lines about him being a pharmaceutical rep. and keeping drugs in the back of his moped.

We decided to meet at Tryst in Delray on Thursday night for drinks; one of my favorite bars. I now know NOT to meet someone at one of your favorite bars because there is a chance it is their favorite bar as well and you will see them there, a lot.

He wasn’t really my type, but in the dating world you should be open to whatever comes along because you never know who you might just fall for. Conversation was great. He was hilarious. I had some good come back’s myself so I was definitely keeping up in the funny department.

He was a real charmer, talked about how beautiful my eyes and my smile were, I could really get used to that. About 45 minutes into the date he told me that he was talking to his friend Ryan before he left to meet me. ( The shy guy standing with him at the gym )  He told him that he was going out with Jessica tonight.

I almost choked on the beer that I had just taken a sip of. JESSICA?!?

DIALOG AGAIN:

Me: “Who is Jessica?”
John:” Your Jessica”
Me: “I’m NOT Jessica!, my name is Lindsay…”
John: “No, your name is Jessica, I could have sworn that is what you said.”
                I am sure you know how this ended. I was O-V-E-R it. No way he was coming back from that one. We finished our beers and I walked to my car. I politely said thanks and went home. I received a text message from him that evening apologizing, and that he was so, so sorry. I never answered.

HE DIDNT KNOW MY NAME!

Over the past few months I have run into Gym Boy more times than all other dates I have gone on combined.

Next time I run into him I’m going to say,
Me: “Hey [INSERT WRONG NAME HERE]“