I should have been featured on Jay-Z’s hit song “On to the next one” We move, we groove, can’t stop won’t stop. Get it get it.
On to the next.
Two dates in a row we have name changes for the boys. Bald boy was first called Lawyer boy. Two lawyers in a row, winning streak or losing streak, you decide.
His profile looked great; a tall, young, Jewish, lawyer living in Boca Raton. Should we just yell B-11 now? BINGO!
We spoke for a few days and decided to meet for dinner. He asked me if I wanted to go anywhere in particular. I figured I wouldn’t see break-a-date boy again so I suggested we go to the Yard House. (In the top 10 remember?) The hair and makeup was to perfection. We met on a Friday night, I was prepared and dressed to impress!
He texted me before I got there telling me where he was sitting. How nice was that, I wasn’t going to have to do that creepy cat and mouse search when I got there. I parked my car and walked into the Yard House like I owned the place. Normally in the life of Lindsay, I would have tripped over something trying to make a grand entrance and make a fool of myself; but I was in the clear.
I spotted the table from a-far where he told me he was sitting. Ready for my word bubble?
Talk about complete falsification of profile pictures. The tall, young, Jewish, lawyer living in Boca Raton was BALD!
I’m not talking Mr. Clean bald, I’m talking, no hair from the top of his head to the middle of the back and then a full head of hair from the middle to the neck.
WILL MY CHEERLEADERS PLEASE STAND UP
(U-G-L-Y you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly, yeah yeah, you ugly)
When it comes to my stance on “baldness” it’s either all or nothing, don’t save what little you have left. I have nothing against bald guys, I would take home Howie Mandel any day of the week.
Some girls may not want to continue on with the date, but I would never be rude and leave, that’s just not my style; plus, I was hungry.
I sat down at the table and we introduced ourselves, with the usual “it’s so nice to meet you” chit chat. The waiter came up to the table, “Can I get you two anything to start with?” I said “A DRINK!”
What I really wanted was a bottle of wine, but that probably wouldn’t have ended well. I thought to myself, I had the rule of not meeting anyone for just a drink so this was the 1 hr out of my life that I could take to get to know someone. Wrong, try 2½ hours, I should have went for the bottle.
We were still in the blonde month and the first thing that he said to me was “Wow, I wasn’t expecting you to have blonde hair, you don’t look like you could be a blonde in your pictures.” What I should have said was, “Oh, well I was expecting HAIR, because in your profile pictures you actually had some”. What I really said was, “Well, I like to change things up sometimes.”
At this point I knew the man across the table from me was not the one I had totally envisioned in the peanut butter isle at the grocery store, but I was going to make the best of it.
First he said he wanted to share an appetizer. He asked me to pick and I said spinach artichoke dip. I didn’t care about spinach getting stuck in my teeth what-so-ever. It was a pretty busy night and the appetizer alone took about 45 minutes. He didn’t ask me one question, he talked all about his family, his sister who was still in law school, and his life growing up as a true “Floridian”. Every time I tried to mention something about my family he would turn the conversation always back to him, self-centered much? After 30 minutes I made my first bathroom escape. I didn’t even have to go to the bathroom, I just stood in there. SOMEBODY.PLEASE.SAVE.ME.
He talked most of the time which allowed me just to nod my head, take sips of my wine and get that cheesy goodness onto some crusty bread. Pretty sure I made a mess all over my lap, you can’t take me anywhere.
Then, he said he wanted to order dinner, sounds good to me. I open the menu again. Truffle Mac & Cheese, score. There was going to be no sharing here; I didn’t even offer before we ordered. Another 40 minutes passed by, and I had to listen to him talk about the questions on the BAR exam, his daily routine, and his weekly work schedule. This was the longest date of my life. Another bathroom escape, I wondered if he noticed. This time I texted every single person on my favorite list and told them I was in agony on this date.
The dinner finally came and I thought he was going to slow down on the talking but that didn’t stop him. 20 minutes later, I looked down and my entire bowl of Mac & Cheese was gone; I ate it like I was going to go to jail the next day.
I was ready to get out of there. He said “let’s get dessert.”
Now listen guys, dessert is one of my favorite words in the English dictionary, but he was mind-numbing, I was full and this date needed to be over.
I politely said no thank you, I had to get going. I was leaving for Miami the next day to visit my cousin but I told him I was going to leave that night instead.
He insisted on walking me to my car, and held my hand the entire way. The guy just did buy me a really nice meal so the least I could do was hold his hand.
Maybe match.com wasn’t the right dating site for him, I should have suggested www.datingbaldmen.com