I should have been featured on Jay-Z’s hit song “On to the next one” We move, we groove, can’t stop won’t stop. Get it get it.
On to the next.
Two dates in a row we have name changes for the boys. Bald boy was first called Lawyer boy. Two lawyers in a row, winning streak or losing streak, you decide.
His profile looked great; a tall, young, Jewish, lawyer living in Boca Raton. Should we just yell B-11 now? BINGO!
We spoke for a few days and decided to meet for dinner. He asked me if I wanted to go anywhere in particular. I figured I wouldn’t see break-a-date boy again so I suggested we go to the Yard House. (In the top 10 remember?) The hair and makeup was to perfection. We met on a Friday night, I was prepared and dressed to impress!
He texted me before I got there telling me where he was sitting. How nice was that, I wasn’t going to have to do that creepy cat and mouse search when I got there. I parked my car and walked into the Yard House like I owned the place. Normally in the life of Lindsay, I would have tripped over something trying to make a grand entrance and make a fool of myself; but I was in the clear.
I spotted the table from a-far where he told me he was sitting. Ready for my word bubble?
Talk about complete falsification of profile pictures. The tall, young, Jewish, lawyer living in Boca Raton was BALD!
I’m not talking Mr. Clean bald, I’m talking, no hair from the top of his head to the middle of the back and then a full head of hair from the middle to the neck.
WILL MY CHEERLEADERS PLEASE STAND UP
(U-G-L-Y you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly, yeah yeah, you ugly)
When it comes to my stance on “baldness” it’s either all or nothing, don’t save what little you have left. I have nothing against bald guys, I would take home Howie Mandel any day of the week.
Some girls may not want to continue on with the date, but I would never be rude and leave, that’s just not my style; plus, I was hungry.
I sat down at the table and we introduced ourselves, with the usual “it’s so nice to meet you” chit chat. The waiter came up to the table, “Can I get you two anything to start with?” I said “A DRINK!”
What I really wanted was a bottle of wine, but that probably wouldn’t have ended well. I thought to myself, I had the rule of not meeting anyone for just a drink so this was the 1 hr out of my life that I could take to get to know someone. Wrong, try 2½ hours, I should have went for the bottle.
We were still in the blonde month and the first thing that he said to me was “Wow, I wasn’t expecting you to have blonde hair, you don’t look like you could be a blonde in your pictures.” What I should have said was, “Oh, well I was expecting HAIR, because in your profile pictures you actually had some”. What I really said was, “Well, I like to change things up sometimes.”
At this point I knew the man across the table from me was not the one I had totally envisioned in the peanut butter isle at the grocery store, but I was going to make the best of it.
First he said he wanted to share an appetizer. He asked me to pick and I said spinach artichoke dip. I didn’t care about spinach getting stuck in my teeth what-so-ever. It was a pretty busy night and the appetizer alone took about 45 minutes. He didn’t ask me one question, he talked all about his family, his sister who was still in law school, and his life growing up as a true “Floridian”. Every time I tried to mention something about my family he would turn the conversation always back to him, self-centered much? After 30 minutes I made my first bathroom escape. I didn’t even have to go to the bathroom, I just stood in there. SOMEBODY.PLEASE.SAVE.ME.
He talked most of the time which allowed me just to nod my head, take sips of my wine and get that cheesy goodness onto some crusty bread. Pretty sure I made a mess all over my lap, you can’t take me anywhere.
Then, he said he wanted to order dinner, sounds good to me. I open the menu again. Truffle Mac & Cheese, score. There was going to be no sharing here; I didn’t even offer before we ordered. Another 40 minutes passed by, and I had to listen to him talk about the questions on the BAR exam, his daily routine, and his weekly work schedule. This was the longest date of my life. Another bathroom escape, I wondered if he noticed. This time I texted every single person on my favorite list and told them I was in agony on this date.
The dinner finally came and I thought he was going to slow down on the talking but that didn’t stop him. 20 minutes later, I looked down and my entire bowl of Mac & Cheese was gone; I ate it like I was going to go to jail the next day.
I was ready to get out of there. He said “let’s get dessert.”
Now listen guys, dessert is one of my favorite words in the English dictionary, but he was mind-numbing, I was full and this date needed to be over.
I politely said no thank you, I had to get going. I was leaving for Miami the next day to visit my cousin but I told him I was going to leave that night instead.
He insisted on walking me to my car, and held my hand the entire way. The guy just did buy me a really nice meal so the least I could do was hold his hand.
Maybe match.com wasn’t the right dating site for him, I should have suggested www.datingbaldmen.com
Now right off the bat you can probably imagine that there won’t be any funny or exciting stories here. But don’t go just yet.
Boring boy messaged me on Match.com, we emailed for a day or two and then he asked me to meet him at Lemongrass in Delray. (MORE SUSHI, YIPEEEEE!)
His pictures were A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E. He looked like he just stepped out of a J.Crew magazine, fall collection.
We met on a week night. I got a parking spot right outside of the restaurant. That in itself makes the night great. You know you are excited when you get “THAT” parking spot, you think “best. day. ever”
I arrived a few minutes early, and went inside the restaurant to wait for him. I sat at the bar and was looking at my iphone mirror app; Making sure I dotted my I’s, crossed my T’s and wiped the lipstick off my teeth, okay were good. Then I did some texting to friends, searched through PINTEREST and thought about a facebook check-in, but I refrained.
Finally he came in the door of the restaurant and we immediately looked at each other. I can only imagine the first thing that comes to people’s minds when they meet for the first time. If we all had a “word bubble” over our heads we would probably be screwed. My thoughts were simple, “MmmmMmm, I like”
The restaurant was very busy. They were offering a “buy 1 LOBSTER MONSTER get the other free” coupon, and all of Boca Raton was going to make sure they took advantage of that! We were seated at one of those “one side is booth one side is a chair” tables. We had to do that awkward walk around dance deciding who should sit on what side. You know the one where someone goes left and the other person goes left to go around them and then you try to go right and they do too. What a mess.
Our table was in the middle of two other tables, one couple on each side of us. We stuck out like a sore thumb. Actually we just stuck out like two young kids on their first date.
Not only was I going to have to make sure that I kept up good conversation with the “boy”, but I needed to make sure Mr. and Mrs. Nosey on the left had something good to listen to and Mr. and Mrs. Gawking on the right had something to look at. I should have told them to take a picture, it lasts longer.
They probably just wanted to live vicariously through our date since they didn’t even speak to each other the entire time. Put the iphone down and nobody will get hurt…
Here we are AGAIN, sushi time.
At this point I have mastered eating sushi in front of boys. I knew exactly which rolls to choose. I knew that white rice gets stuck in your teeth a lot easier then brown, never order anything with more than three ingredients in it; and stay away from anything that has the words ” volcano” or “dragon” in it.
“I’ll have a spicy tuna roll, brown rice, seaweed on the outside, no sesame seeds please.” Now this may sound picky, but you are saving yourself a lot of embarrassment such as: food dropping out of your mouth, food getting stuck in your teeth, or simply looking like a chipmunk trying to eat that oh-so delicious hurricane bomb roll in just one bite.
Now the date went a little like this.
We both opened the menu, I said “how about we share, we can split 3 rolls”. He said “perfect”. I decided that I would pick one he would pick one then we would decide together on the last. Teamwork at its finest. This way I could make sure to sneak my spicy tuna in for my “safety” roll.
The food came faster than a speeding bullet, so we didn’t even have too much time to have conversation. He was the same age as me so we talked about some funny things we remembered as 80’s babies, where we went on our teen tour in high school and the sports we played growing up. We were out of there in about 45 minutes. Now what?
We walked over to Kilwins. NOW, if you have never been to Kilwins you need to go. Like now. You can smell that place from a mile away, the hot press making the waffle cones. YUMMY! ( am I making you hungry yet ?)
I got my fav ice cream, Rocky Road. I especially like it from Kilwin’s because they have the perfect amount of nuts to marshmallow ratio. What can I say, I am a foodie.
We talked about going to see a movie the following week. I was totally for it. The date was coming to an end and I did have a nice time, it was just a little uninteresting.
READY FOR THE KICKER
We started walking back towards Lemongrass . I said thank you and he said he had a really nice time. I was waiting for the awkward hug moment, (already prepared, arms under Lindsay, arms under), but all of a sudden he put out his hand to give me a hand shake. WHAT?!
He immediately stopped himself and said “Wait, what am I doing?” I said, ” I am not exactly sure?” Then he goes “come here”…NOW comes that ridiculously awkward hug.
He texted me a few days later trying to set up a time to see a movie.
Needless to say, I was B.U.S.Y
SHOOK MY HAND
So, Chiro boy messaged me. A very short message, but his pictures were mostly what caught my attention. Cute little jew boy, my favorite. I had started to realize that Match and Jdate had a slight difference when it came to the “process”.
Match.com: There were a few emails back and forth telling each other a little bit about one another. Then comes deciding if you are interested in meeting that person. Then the phone number exchange to make the plans.
Jdate.com: Here is my number. Lets get together.
You know that on Jdate all their mothers or grandmothers made them sign up so they mean business.
I came up with the idea to meet at Benihana for dinner in Coral Springs. Which I thought was perfect, something TOTALLY new. I was prepared for smelling like oil and grease, no problem. Before I went to meet him I had to go get my nails done ( DUH )
I have not mentioned this yet, but do you have any idea what it takes for a girl to get ready ?
Here are the steps you need to go through to get ready for a first date:
Step 2. If you don’t know what you should look like on a first date refer back to step 1
After getting my nails done I drove straight to Benihana. Now we have the whole package complete. Perfect outfit, hair, makeup, and nails.
You know what’s not perfect? That RAIN that just started coming down!
I pulled into Benihana around 6:55PM, we were planning on meeting at 7PM. I thought to myself, “How am I going to manage getting out of the car with an umbrella, purse on one arm, nails still slightly wet, while completely risking the possibility of a perfect blow-out getting attacked by frizz-mania!?”
All of the sudden a car pulled up right next to mine, a bright yellow Corvette. The windows were too dark to see in but I saw an outline of a man with sunglasses on. Hey buddy, its gloomy and raining, lose the sunglasses. The man gets out of his car. HOLY MOLY BATMAN it’s him! Chiro boy just got out of the bright yellow Corvette.
I had to get it together quick so he didn’t think I was sitting in my car like a weirdo. I tried to open my door with the umbrella sticking out of the top, moving slowly trying not to mess up the nails, and keeping the hair from getting wet; The door swings open and hits the side mirror of his car!
DID THAT REALLY JUST HAPPEN?! PARTY FOUL BEFORE THE PARTY
He watched the entire thing, and then finally came to help me, or he was really just making sure I didn’t take out his side view mirror. No dings, no dents, all good.
Let the date begin.
We met on a Wednesday night, I know this because it was half off appetizers from 5PM-9-PM. I thought that we were going to have an awesome hibachi meal, but nope. Jew to the rescue – he wanted the half off apps.
We sat down at a table near the bar instead. Conversation was smooth. No hiccups, no embarrassing moments, and no awkward silences. Want to know why? Because I couldn’t get a word in the conversation the entire time. Not even a peep
Jackpot – the Chiro doc with the sports car is a hot shot – NOT
I put on the “this is my interested face”, but I wasn’t really, I was just trying to order every single sushi appetizer on the menu and suck down my Mai Tai. By the way, did I mention yet how much I LOVE sushi? After a 2 hr date he asked me on a second date for that upcoming weekend. Now when you put all the pieces together of this date so far, he didn’t really do anything wrong; He knew my name, he seemed somewhat interested in me, he wasn’t talking about all his amazing ex-girlfriends, I did kind of hit his car and he still wanted to go out again, so let’s go for it.
Bring it on second date.
We talked over the next few days and planned on going out on Saturday night. I came up with a great idea to go to the comedy club at the Hard Rock! What I thought would be a good idea he came back with the text message reply “Wow your really emasculating me”. I didn’t think that coming up with the plans would be that big of a deal, but I guess it was. His mojo was a no no.
Back-pedaling , I said “Why don’t you choose the restaurant.” He said we will go to “My Big Fat Greek Restaurant” in Davie, OPA!
We met at the restaurant, and had a nice meal. I had a delicious steak Gyro and enjoyed every bite of it. Want to know why? because I DIDNT TALK!
Again, with the jibber jabber about the Chiro biz.
At this point I thought the second date would have gone differently, but he didn’t ask any personal questions about me. I mean, come on, at least ask me what my favorite color is. He told me all about the newly designed business cards he was having made and what kind of stock paper he was having to choose from.
GIve me a B, give me a O, give me a R, give me a I, give me a N, give me a G! What’s that spell? GET ME OUT OF HERE!
I was just glad that on the next part of our date it was going to be dark with entertainment and he wouldn’t have the chance to talk my ear off. We drove to the Hard Rock and saw the late show. 10:30PM, real rebels.
Pretty sure the best part of the entire date was reading the drink menu at the Comedy Club. Instead of “Sex on the Beach”, they have “Sex on the Stage” HA. Oh, and the comedian was funny too.
- (idiomatic, vulgar) One should not cause trouble in a place, group, or situation in which one regularly finds oneself.
- Do not screw up or screw someone from where you work and or play
- It was a Wednesday evening, and I was just finishing up my workout at the gym. On my way out, I got stopped by two guys. One was very tall, who was holding what looked to be like a moped helmet, and the other was short and seemed extremely shy.
Here is the dialog:
John: “No, I just carry this around. ”
We have a funny one on our hands here.
Me:”Well John, it seems like your friend can pick up a girl himself but what about you?”
John: “I have no problems picking up girls”
Me:”Well then why haven’t you asked me for my number?”
sometimes I get bursts of confidence that shoot through my body. WHA-BAM!
John:”I don’t have a pen..”
Me:”You don’t have a pen? What century are you living in? How about that handy thing in your pocket called a cell phone?”
We exchanged phone numbers and had some witty convo the next day. Something along the lines about him being a pharmaceutical rep. and keeping drugs in the back of his moped.
We decided to meet at Tryst in Delray on Thursday night for drinks; one of my favorite bars. I now know NOT to meet someone at one of your favorite bars because there is a chance it is their favorite bar as well and you will see them there, a lot.
He wasn’t really my type, but in the dating world you should be open to whatever comes along because you never know who you might just fall for. Conversation was great. He was hilarious. I had some good come back’s myself so I was definitely keeping up in the funny department.
He was a real charmer, talked about how beautiful my eyes and my smile were, I could really get used to that. About 45 minutes into the date he told me that he was talking to his friend Ryan before he left to meet me. ( The shy guy standing with him at the gym ) He told him that he was going out with Jessica tonight.
I almost choked on the beer that I had just taken a sip of. JESSICA?!?
- I am sure you know how this ended. I was O-V-E-R it. No way he was coming back from that one. We finished our beers and I walked to my car. I politely said thanks and went home. I received a text message from him that evening apologizing, and that he was so, so sorry. I never answered.
HE DIDNT KNOW MY NAME!
Over the past few months I have run into Gym Boy more times than all other dates I have gone on combined.
Little did I know I was going to run into “busy boy” on Match.com. About two months prior to receiving an email from him I actually met him at my place of work when he came in to get his car fixed. Strikingly handsome, he pulled up into the service lane in an electric blue car; that obviously has to catch anyone’s attention! I’m talking about the car, not his extremely good-looking facial features.
I went right up to him and I said “WOW, how did you do that to your car?” He told me that he owned a company that can make cars different colors. Hello coolness! I was wearing a bright pink skirt that day and asked him, “Well can you make my car this color?” and pointed to my skirt. He said “Of course I can.”
Clearly I was kidding, I really wanted to just go on a date with him, we exchanged business cards and he went on his way. I was on Match.com for about a month now and all the sudden I open up my emails and there is a message from him! (To put the picture in your head I was freaking out right about now)
“Hey, you’re the girl from the car dealership right?”
Pretty sure I did my own version of an amazing end zone touchdown dance, or it may have just looked like I had ants in my pants, but yes, that was me! We emailed back and forth and he asked me to go to dinner that week! We met at Blue Fin sushi in Parkland on a Tuesday evening. AGAIN with the sushi dates, I wasn’t joking! He was on time, wore the simplest but sexiest black tee and jeans, had great eye contact, never stopped talking, and loved the idea of sharing food, pretty much couldn’t get enough of me! (Or so I thought).
One of the questions he asked on the date was about my profile. So he actually did read it. He said you have on your headliner a quote. “Maybe we can go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper; maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.”
He said to me “Is that just the quote from Old School, or is that something that you actually want to do?” Trying to contain myself without bursting out laughing, I knew the quote was perfect to catch someone’s attention; except not to busy boy. He was more concerned that the quote was me secretly saying that I want to have a family a house ,babies and do errands on the weekends, like now.
He told me that he is on Match.com since he never has time to meet anyone because he is so busy with his new company. I didn’t realize him saying he was “so busy” really was another way of saying I will never see you; ever.
We spoke a few times over the next few days. I came up with this bright idea and just had to tell him. I know that the guy is supposed to make the plans for the second date, but when is anyone following the rules these days? I found a cooking class in Ft. Lauderdale online and thought it would be the best second date ever. I sent him the link through text and he immediately responded.
He said he would love to go but he had to work Friday night and he wouldn’t be able to make it in time for the class. Instead of just shooting down the entire idea, he came back with an even better one. “How about we cook dinner together at my house?” Until now, I thought that was probably the most adorable thing ever. I have actually thought more about it and most likely what went through his head was “how about we cook dinner together at my house and then hopefully I will woo you with my cooking skills and get lucky.” (He was a good cook, but he didn’t get lucky.)
Now, let’s be real here, I am no top chef. I am the girl who can make a mean mac & cheese and I am spectacular at making reservations. I agreed to the cooking sesh at his house and he told me to meet him at his place and we would go to the grocery store together; Again, so adorable!
Friday night came and I was beyond excited. Didn’t get canceled on this time! I went over to his house and believe me, I can’t make this up. He opens the door, I walk inside and there is a guy sitting at his kitchen table taking apart a gun. Oh shit, I’m either about to get stolen or shot, either way those endings seemed bad. He introduced me to the guy sitting at the table, “This is my brother, and he is a cop.” PHEW! Dodged the bullet on that one; literally. The brother worked night shifts so he left shortly after I got there.
We had a great evening of cooking, relaxing on the couch and stayed up until 2 am just talking. (Promise there is not another word for talking, it was just talking) He came up with this plan that he wanted me to come over for breakfast the next morning because he had a lot of errands he wanted to get done that he never has time to do, and wanted me to go with him. So I told him I will make sure he gets everything done.
I went home that night and was back at his house at 9am sharp. We had some delicious eggs and we were off. No joke, we went straight to home depot first (just like in my headliner quote, too funny!) He had to get a fan for his room, a light switch, and some type of spray to remove wallpaper from his bedroom that was put up by the previous owner of the house (really, I can’t make this stuff up.) He did realize though that we were at home depot and it was pretty much like we were doing everything I said in my profile. Oops! Then he told me he really needed a new wallet so I took him to the flea market and he picked out what he said was the perfect one. I’m really winning this one over so far.
We went back to his house, ate lunch, went to the pool, walked his dogs and had a wonderful day. His brother woke up late in the afternoon and I told him everything that we did. He said that his brother has never done anything like that and he couldn’t believe I got him to do all those errands. His brother told him that their mom was having his family over for dinner in front of me. Now that I think more about it I am not sure if this was a pre-planned escape. I didn’t want to intrude so I said that’s fine you go have a great time I will go home. We hugged goodbye and he said he would call me.
A few days went by and I sent him a text to see how he was, no response. About two weeks later I got a message that said he was really busy traveling for his company. We didn’t speak again.
But wait, there is more! As you know, the first place I met him was where I work. So who did I run into at 9am when walking into work about a month later? BUSY BOY. Can you say awkward? We said hi, and walked opposite ways. We have run into each other about 3 times in the past 4 months. The most recent run in was the best.
He actually came into my office at work to ask me how I was. I was in a very interesting mood that day, and I unleashed the fury . I told him that he shouldn’t be on Match.com if he isn’t looking for something. No one is really “too busy” to send back a simple text message. People’s phones are attached to their hips, especially for guys who wear that silly clip. Everyone goes to the bathroom and brings their phones with them, I’m sure he even sleeps with his phone under his pillow; you can send me a quick message.
Maybe dreams do come true, but mine? Nope, they just get crushed…and usually by a large locomotive.