Tag Archives: wine

Just say “No!” to Rugs, Plugs & Comb-overs

Standard

BALD BOY

I should have been featured on Jay-Z’s hit song “On to the next one” We move, we groove, can’t stop won’t stop. Get it get it.

On to the next.

Two dates in a row we have name changes for the boys. Bald boy was first called Lawyer boy. Two lawyers in a row, winning streak or losing streak, you decide.

His profile looked great; a tall, young, Jewish, lawyer living in Boca Raton. Should we just yell B-11 now? BINGO!

We spoke for a few days and decided to meet for dinner. He asked me if I wanted to go anywhere in particular. I figured I wouldn’t see break-a-date boy again so I suggested we go to the Yard House. (In the top 10 remember?) The hair and makeup was to perfection.  We met on a Friday night, I was prepared and dressed to impress!

He texted me before I got there telling me where he was sitting. How nice was that, I wasn’t going to have to do that creepy cat and mouse search when I got there. I parked my car and walked into the Yard House like I owned the place. Normally in the life of Lindsay, I would have tripped over something trying to make a grand entrance and make a fool of myself; but I was in the clear.

I spotted the table from a-far where he told me he was sitting.  Ready for my word bubble?

Talk about complete falsification of profile pictures. The tall, young, Jewish, lawyer living in Boca Raton was BALD!

I’m not talking Mr. Clean bald, I’m talking, no hair from the top of his head to the middle of the back and then a full head of hair from the middle to the neck.

WILL MY CHEERLEADERS PLEASE STAND UP

(U-G-L-Y you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly, yeah yeah, you ugly)

When it comes to my stance on “baldness” it’s either all or nothing, don’t save what little you have left. I have nothing against bald guys, I would take home Howie Mandel any day of the week.

Some girls may not want to continue on with the date, but I would never be rude and leave, that’s just not my style; plus, I was hungry.

I sat down at the table and we introduced ourselves, with the usual “it’s so nice to meet you” chit chat. The waiter came up to the table, “Can I get you two anything to start with?” I said “A DRINK!”

What I really wanted was a bottle of wine, but that probably wouldn’t have ended well. I thought to myself, I had the rule of not meeting anyone for just a drink so this was the 1 hr out of my life that I could take to get to know someone. Wrong, try 2½ hours, I should have went for the bottle.

We were still in the blonde month and the first thing that he said to me was “Wow, I wasn’t expecting you to have blonde hair, you don’t look like you could be a blonde in your pictures.” What I should have said was, “Oh, well I was expecting HAIR, because in your profile pictures you actually had some”. What I really said was, “Well, I like to change things up sometimes.”

At this point I knew the man across the table from me was not the one I had totally envisioned in the peanut butter isle at the grocery store, but I was going to make the best of it.

First he said he wanted to share an appetizer. He asked me to pick and I said spinach artichoke dip. I didn’t care about spinach getting stuck in my teeth what-so-ever. It was a pretty busy night and the appetizer alone took about 45 minutes. He didn’t ask me one question, he talked all about his family, his sister who was still in law school, and his life growing up as a true “Floridian”. Every time I tried to mention something about my family he would turn the conversation always back to him, self-centered much? After 30 minutes I made my first bathroom escape. I didn’t even have to go to the bathroom, I just stood in there. SOMEBODY.PLEASE.SAVE.ME.

He talked most of the time which allowed me just to nod my head, take sips of my wine and get that cheesy goodness onto some crusty bread. Pretty sure I made a mess all over my lap, you can’t take me anywhere.

Then, he said he wanted to order dinner, sounds good to me.  I open the menu again. Truffle Mac & Cheese, score. There was going to be no sharing here; I didn’t even offer before we ordered. Another 40 minutes passed by, and I had to  listen to him talk about the questions on the BAR exam, his daily routine, and his weekly work schedule. This was the longest date of my life. Another bathroom escape, I wondered if he noticed. This time I texted every single person on my favorite list and told them I was in agony on this date.

The dinner finally came and I thought he was going to slow down on the talking but that didn’t stop him. 20 minutes later, I looked down and my entire bowl of Mac & Cheese was gone; I ate it like I was going to go to jail the next day.

I was ready to get out of there. He said “let’s get dessert.”

Now listen guys, dessert is one of my favorite words in the English dictionary, but he was mind-numbing, I was full and this date needed to be over.

I politely said no thank you, I had to get going. I was leaving for Miami the next day to visit my cousin but I told him I was going to leave that night instead.

He insisted on walking me to my car, and held my hand the entire way. The guy just did buy me a really nice meal so the least I could do was hold his hand.

Maybe match.com wasn’t the right dating site for him, I should have suggested www.datingbaldmen.com

Advertisements

My boyfriend is like February 30th, he doesn’t exist.

Standard
BREAK-A-DATE BOY
 
Now how many chances do you give a guy before you finally tell them to take a hike? Break-a-date boy wasn’t always called that, he was originally blue-eyed boy. He was a Match.com dater and his profile picture was what I like to call “easy on the eyes.”
 
I sent him my template message “hey, I’m Lindsay..how are you ?”
 
He emailed me back right away. We didn’t waste any time and we exchanged phone numbers. He texted me soon after and we planned to meet at Yard House in Mizner Park for drinks. 
 
Before my dating adventures began I had a rule that I was not going to go out with anyone that just wanted to meet for drinks. Why couldn’t the guy just take an hour or so out of his life and take me to dinner to get to know me? Well I tossed that one right out of the rule book. I never thought that I may want to run for the hills on a date, but you never know what can happen in the world of online dating! This way, I had the option of having one drink and could duck out the back door if needed. (Just kidding, I never did that)
 
I met him at Yard House and we sat at the bar. He looked exactly like his picture online. This bar situation was better than all of the others in the past because we were sitting in the corner. He was on one edge of the bar and I was on the other. We were able to look at each other without getting neck cramps. 
 
Forget J.Crew boy, old school Abercrombie boy is here. Striped white and blue polo, dark washed jeans, spiked hair, perfect teeth, and those baby blue eyes. Check please.
 
Before we met up I didn’t tell him that I looked a little different then I did in my pictures. I now wish I had because on my next date karma bit me right on the behind. It was the month I decided to go blonde. I do it every year and regret it every time. When will I learn? Anyway, blondie showed up instead of the brunette he saw on the Match.com profile. He mentioned something right away.
 
He complimented me and said he wasn’t expecting that but it looked great. Should I have been flattered or should I have turned my gaydar on? Beep…Beep
 
The Yard House is known for their beers but I ordered a glass of wine instead. You think I wanted to be all bloated in the skinny jeans that took some serious sucking-in to get into? No thanks.
 
We had good conversation, a few things in common. I always use the golf background as good conversation material if nothing else; that always impresses. He had just taken the BAR exam and was waiting for his results. Oh a lawyer. He was commuting to work from West Palm Beach, and he was telling me about his upcoming move to Delray.
 
We had two drinks each and then decided to walk around. He asked if I wanted to get some ice cream. Damn you skinny jeans. 
( SLIGHT INTERRUPTION )
ON A SIDE NOTE: One day I’m going to write a letter to these online dating sites and tell them they should all reimburse me since I have to pay for a gym membership so that I can fit into my pants after all the dinners, alcohol and desserts I have to consume on these dates!
 
We headed to the ice cream shop. On our way, he said “My favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip what’s yours? I replied “NO WAY, that’s my favorite ice cream too!” Don’t judge my fabrication; every kind of ice cream is my favorite.
 
We got ice cream and I was actually having a great time. If you were an outsider looking at us, I am sure it looked like I was getting lost in his eyes and staring at him like I wanted to eat him instead of my ice cream.
 
He walked me to my car like a gentleman and he said he wanted to take me out again and he would call me. 8th date is the charm?
 
He told me the following day that he made reservations for us to go to Delray on Friday night to a new restaurant on the beach. This was looking promising.
 
Thursday evening, I received the infamous text. “I am going to have to reschedule, I have a work conflict and I have to work late.”
 
No problem- he did just start working at a law firm. 
 
Now one might think this was just a way for him to get out of it and that he didn’t want to see me again, but the next week he made plans to go out during the week instead of on the weekend, same restaurant. 
 
I was wrong. That time he called to cancel.
 
There was definitely some effort on his end, but no follow through. After a few weeks the communication stopped and I wasn’t so interested anymore. Blue-eyed boy then became break-a-date boy. I mean, I had already gone on two other dates since I saw him.
 
He-was-so-two-weeks-ago.